Grace from Friction: An Interview with Margaret Dilloway

by Hannah Eason

Hawaii-based author Margaret Dilloway’s debut novel, How to Be an American Housewife (Putnam Books 2010), takes on a subject near, dear and a little dreadful to most of us: the mother-daughter relationship. In the simplest of circumstances, it’s a relationship marked by friction: between wills, between intentions, between interpretations of what the other means at any given moment.

In addition to everyday growing pains, Shoko and Sue (mother and daughter in Dilloway’s novel) must work through conflicts of culture. Shoko is a Japanese-born housewife trained in proper etiquette and home management. Sue is her American-born daughter who makes it her task to place Shoko’s behavior – which has always seemed odd from an all-American vantage point – in a context where it makes perfect sense.

From a relationship historically fraught with one uphill battle after another, Dilloway harvests the rewards we mothers and daughters always hope to achieve: understanding, respect, a unique brand of friendship, and grace.

Hannah Eason: The title of your novel comes from a fictional guidebook purchased for the mother in the story, Shoko, by her husband Charlie with the intention of helping her transition from Japanese to American culture. You’ve mentioned that you had a real-life inspiration for this guidebook. Tell us some about The American Way of Housekeeping and what role it played in the formation of your novel.

Margaret Dilloway: My mother had a copy of The American Way of Housekeeping. It’s a book of housekeeping tips, written by a military officers’ wives club, for Japanese housekeepers. The book shows Japanese writing on one side of the page and the English translation on the other. My dad thought it might help my mother out, maybe even help her learn English, but I don’t think she did anything more than glance at it.

I was a bit astounded at how, frankly, backwards the American women seemed to consider their Japanese housekeepers to be. True, there are American recipes and explanations on how to use Western-style appliances, but there are also sections warning the housekeepers to do things like keep children away from wells. I wouldn’t think any culture would let children play by a well.
The book made me realize that perhaps how I viewed my mother was different than how the American occupation would have viewed her in the 1950s. I’d always thought my mother was, if anything, more careful than my friends’ mothers, so it was shocking.

H.E.: Obedience seems to be an important theme in the book, with Shoko claiming her own disobedience and her daughter, Sue, stating up front that she has always been obedient. How would you say their differing dispositions in that regard affect how they understand one another?

M.D.: Shoko knows she’s always been disobedient, and she tries to change her nature, but cannot. She is afraid that her daughter is the same as she is, and it will lead to her daughter’s downfall. Sue has always been obedient, but being so accommodating didn’t turn out well for her, either. She sees her mother as controlling and judgmental, and doesn’t fully comprehend Shoko’s background.

They both know what societal norms are and try to fit in. Shoko’s an outsider with Americans. Sue is an outsider with her mother’s peer group. Neither truly fits in anywhere, and maybe what the book is suggesting is that this is all right. You don’t have to fit in anywhere, you have to be yourself and if your loved ones understand and support you, that’s a bonus.

H.E.: Through what seems to be a delicate, evolving communication barrier between mother and daughter, Sue often interprets Shoko’s words as carrying heavy disapproval when Shoko does not view them this way at all. How much of their struggle derives from having grown up in different cultures, and how much of it is the simple age-old struggle of parent and child?

M.D.: I think much of what Shoko says would be interpreted as harsh in Western culture, but to Shoko it’s simply honesty. Communication is also a fairly universal struggle among mothers and daughters. Some mothers who have read this book have told me they think every mother and daughter should read it. There are always meta-messages behind what mothers and daughters say to each other. Deborah Tannen wrote a great book about how mothers and daughters communicate, called You’re Wearing That explaining the competition, love, and anxiety that goes into mother-daughter communication. Mothers tend to project a lot of their own stuff, both good and bad, onto their daughters.

H.E.: At one point in the novel, Shoko’s husband and Sue’s father, Charlie, is unemployed. Having done everything she can to stretch the family’s resources and encourage her husband, Shoko states, “I wished more than anything that I could go out into the world and conquer it for my family.” How does Shoko deal with the limitations imposed on her by culture, especially when her disposition is to defy limits, to be disobedient?

M.D.: Shoko is first limited by her culture and historical circumstance– post World War II Japan. Then her health becomes an issue, so even if she wanted to could go get a job, she would have had problems with her heart worsening through the years. She deals with it by pretty much pinning all her hopes on her daughter, living through her daughter, though it’s largely unintentional. Shoko also has a lot of internalized conflict.

H.E.: Shoko’s daughter, Sue, is a single mother working long hours for the sake of supporting her family. What is Shoko’s view on her daughter for whom work outside the home is simultaneously a necessity and an option that was never, in America at least, on the table for Shoko herself?

M.D.: Shoko realizes it’s a necessity. But Shoko gets a new expectation that Sue ought to be an executive, since she works full-time and has a college degree. I don’t think Shoko fully understands how corporate America works. And of course Sue feels she is disappointing her mother in this way, too.

H.E.: Shoko had a relationship with a man in Japan which would’ve been very difficult to pursue. She instead chooses Charlie, an American soldier, because a secure future in the United States is made possible through him. While this marriage is founded in the practical rather than emotional, we see ample instances of kindness, even adoration, unfold between them. What can you tell us about the sort of love that Shoko has for Charlie? Also, is this type of love satisfactory to her?

M.D.: It began as a marriage of necessity for Shoko. In many cultures and in historical times, marriage took place not because there was romantic love, but because of necessity. Shoko knows that Charlie is dependable, though imperfect, and he’ll never desert her. In a time when it was not uncommon for Japanese brides of Americans to be deserted, that counted for a lot with Shoko. So I think it’s a satisfactory love in that way. She’s got a pretty nice home in San Diego and, while there are still some hardships, it’s a lot better than what she had as a child and young adult.

H.E.: How do Shoko’s decisions regarding men influence the way that she looks upon her daughter Sue’s love life?

M.D.: There’s no clear answer. Shoko thought her life with Ronin would be too difficult, so she picked what she thought would be an easier life. That life wasn’t so easy, either. Shoko realizes either path has its own pitfalls. Yet romantic young love didn’t seem to work for Sue, so Shoko’s now probably hoping for a steady provider who will allow Sue to work less hard.

H.E.: It’s easy to imagine, from the vigorous approach she brings to her household obligations, that Shoko might have been a powerful CEO in a different life. Could Sue have ever been happy in the capacity of a housewife? What impressions of homemaking did she take away from watching her mother?

M.D.: Sue has both traditionalist and bohemian streaks in her. Of course, she tried not to address her own needs because she was putting the needs of her child first, which necessitated a steady job. Yet I think she could have been happy as a housewife, because she enjoyed the mothering part so well. It would also depend on how supportive her partner was.

Sue saw her mother treating her homemaking as her profession, which is why she did not want other people like Sue helping her. Sue saw that keeping house alone did not fulfill Shoko, nor did it lead to a strong relationship with her children. So I think if Sue was a housewife, she would be less focused on the house and more focused on child-rearing and making the actual atmosphere of the home more comfortable.

H.E.: What would you say is the relationship between these two strong female characters and the concept of feminism?

M.D.: The characters are deliberately at odds with the title. Neither woman fits into the traditional role of housewife. The word has a negative connotation; try telling someone you’re a housewife at a party and see how fast they run away. That’s why people call themselves “stay-at-home moms” now. The word “housewife” subjugates women.

These characters require the re-imagining of “housewife.” In reality, there is no “traditional housewife” role at all. Trying to fit into a pre-conceived role is what causes trouble. Instead, it’s what each woman makes it. I would like to reclaim the word housewife, because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a housewife. It’s honorable to want to make a home for your family and keep things running, whether you’re female or male, and no matter what you call it.

H.E.: What are the main characteristics, as mothers, that Shoko and Sue have in common?

M.D.: They both see their daughters as miraculous creatures who should own the world.

H.E.: We have the opportunity in the novel to meet Helena, Sue’s daughter and Shoko’s granddaughter. What traits is she gleaning from these two women as she grows up?

M.D.: Helena is learning to value her own independence and individuality more than either Sue or Shoko ever did. Shoko has a far more relaxed approach with her granddaughter. Helena has this benefit that Sue did not.

H.E.: Going back to Shoko’s childhood and adolescence in Japan, it seems that her father had a somewhat progressive stance in the extent to which he allowed her to assist in decision making. How would you say his actions contribute to Shoko being as willful and determined as she is?

M.D.: Shoko’s father was perhaps not as traditional as others. He did give up his worldly possessions for religion, and he did not always take the same views as others did. Shoko’s father valued her as a human, not just as a compliant daughter-figure. He recognized her true nature and also recognized he could not change what she was. And if he hadn’t appreciated this about Shoko, she wouldn’t have worked and helped the family be better off.

H.E.: The character of Mike, Shoko’s son, is an interesting one. He intermittently lives at home between bouts of employment well into middle age. He’s not overly communicative. But it is noted that he has this strength of character which makes itself known when the pressure is on. What part did his Japanese-style rearing within American culture play in how he has turned out?

M.D.: Mike’s parents, in wanting to make things easier for him than it was for them, perhaps made things too easy for him. I don’t know that this is simply Japanese style parenting. There are a lot of people like Mike who are Americans.

H.E.: You mention that How to Be an American Housewife is, in ways, an imagining of your own mother’s personal life. Did you relate strongly to certain aspects of Sue’s cultural struggles?

M.D.: Yes. Japan was culturally absent for me; I only knew about it through artifacts my parents had. We did not have Japanese friends or any strong cultural connection like that. We did not have family in the area, or go visit family, or have a friend network, so in some ways I grew up very isolated. It’s still odd for me to think that I have dozens of cousins around the country and in Japan I’ve never met.

There were definitely moments I called upon from my own life to integrate with Sue’s.

H.E.: Sue is called upon in the novel to make a trip to Japan on her mother’s behalf in hopes of reconciling with Shoko’s estranged brother. What are her main motivations in saying yes?

M.D.: She is beginning to understand her mother as an adult and imagine what it was like growing up in Japan. With her mother’s trip to see her at work and her mother’s worsening health, Sue finally has a visceral understanding of her mother’s mortality. She wants to make the trip for her mother. She also wants to see Japan for herself and find that missing part of her psyche, of knowing where she came from. On some level, Sue knows this will help her have a better relationship with her mother, even if her mother passes away.

H.E.: I’m curious about what your personal relationship with Japanese culture has been. Have you had an opportunity similar to Sue’s, to experience it first-hand? If so, did Sue’s reactions in some ways mirror your own?

M.D.: I have only been to Japan once, when I was three. I had a fantasy that I would get to go back to Japan and have an experience like Sue’s before I wrote this book, but it was financially impossible. So I sort of carried out my fantasy in the book. It’s like imagining a trip to Mars.

H.E.: Based on the duality of culture you experienced while growing up, were there any authors in particular who were telling stories you related to? Or was part of the inspiration to write that you weren’t necessarily seeing your story in print?

M.D.: I haven’t read many stories about bi-racial children. To me race is an afterthought; it’s more like being bi-cultural. You can have schisms in racially homogeneous societies, as we see in Japan in the novel.

Maybe that’s part of what I was trying to say by including the Japanese untouchables: every culture oppresses some other subset of its culture, whether that’s based on race or wealth or religion. But if you had two Japanese people emigrate to America, and one was from the Eta and one was from a samurai lineage, they’d be treated the same.

H.E.: In future writing, do you think you’ll continue to explore the Japanese-American cultural chasm?

M.D.: I wouldn’t rule it out, but there are many more subjects I’m interested in.

H.E.: How do you incorporate your writing work into your own, probably quite demanding, schedule as an American Housewife?

M.D: It’s gotten a lot easier lately. My youngest child started kindergarten just this week, so I work while the kids are at school.

However, the more I write, the more I forget to do real-world tasks.

So I have to set an alarm if I have to go do errands.

H.E.: Is there anything else you would like to tell readers about your experience in writing How to Be an American Housewife?

M.D: I only hope everyone has at least a few moments of enjoyment out of it, even if they only think the cover will look great on their bookshelf.

H.E.: Thank you, Miss Dilloway.

The cover of the book, by the way, is very eye-catching and would look attractive on anyone’s bookshelf.

How to Be an American Housewife, published by Putnam books, is available now. You can visit the author’s website, Margaret Dilloway, American Housewife, at www.margaretdilloway.com for a reader’s guide and Ms. Dilloway’s blog on the writing life.

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In addition to writing UpClose interviews and book reviews for Her Circle Ezine, Hannah Eason writes fiction under the name Jane Eisenhart. Links to her short stories and additional writing can be found on her website: http://hometowngrotesque.squarespace.com/.

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