In a recent issue of Martha Stewart Magazine, Alana Chernila wrote about “mommy guilt.” Chernila shared a story about running for public office and the toll it exacted on her family. An outing in a park ended with Chernila’s daughter, Sadie, disgruntled when she was not allowed to accompany a friend on a last-minute invitation for a canoeing session. In the car, Sadie declared, “I hate elections!” Chernila said her daughter’s words “hit me deep in my gut.”
Later that night, Chernila tried to make it up to Sadie by making homemade breakfast pastries, so that she could greet her children with delicious treats in the morning. Chernila’s “mommy guilt” was assuaged as her children reacted as she hoped, “marveling at the breakfast their mama had made for them.” So, mom attempts to make a difference and be a living example of an engaged citizen, and must feel badly because she has to deny her child a single canoe outing. As a result, she stays up later than the rest of the family, and gets up earlier than everyone else in the morning, so she can bake her way back into her children’s hearts.
What is this “mommy guilt” thing anyway? Why do women feel badly for having lives beyond that of their role as mothers? I ask myself these questions all the time. I wonder what it is in our society that makes moms feel guilty when we have to say “no,” or we can’t say “yes.” In my own life, I consider that my son will undergo surgery in a few weeks. There is no question that I will be at the hospital, and will accompany him every step of the way. My husband will not be there with us. Partly this is because his line of work doesn’t provide personal or sick days, and a back injury required him to use his vacation to heal earlier this year. Yet, my husband feels no “guilt.” He knows I’m capable of handling the situation with aplomb. In fact, I’ve done it a few times in our children’s lives. However, I know that if I was working as the main breadwinner, I don’t know that I’d be able to work if my child was having surgery. I would judge myself and demand my presence. My own mind admonishes, “What kind of mother doesn’t take off work when her child needs surgery?” No one, including me, judges my husband for not being there. He’s the dad. He’s out earning the money that pays the insurance premiums that help subsidize the operation and all the attendant costs and fees. Even when a mother is in that role, she is still supposed to be at the bedside.
It is this double demand of women, by women (of ourselves), that is what is known as “mommy guilt.” Why should Chernila feel so terrible for having a campaign event super-cede the whims of her daughter? Why should she stay up into the night and rise early to try to “fix” what was never really broken? Why did she feel it in her “gut” when her child lashed out in a selfish, childish manner when she couldn’t have her way? Why do women punish themselves for being human beings, even when we’re attempting to be positive role models through the actions and activities that might take us away from our families? It is only by answering these questions for ourselves, and catching ourselves before we allow guilt to settle into our hearts and stomachs that we might rid ourselves of this guilt.
Women are deemed selfish when we put our needs or desires before those of our families, especially our children. Whether it is an operation where both parents are not present, or an election and a campaign that takes a woman away from home, we need to stop feeling guilty and start realizing we are not and cannot be everything for everyone in our families all the time. That is the unhealthy role model and the bahaivior we should feel guilty perpetuating. When a father is on the campaign trail, no one questions his absence. Mom, back home, when the couple’s children declare that they “hate elections,” merely extols the virtues of the campaigning father. She tells the children how proud they should be of their dad, how they should be “extra good” so that it is easier on the father when he calls home. They should realize he is serving their community and see him as a role model of citizenship. They should see him as a man of conviction, who identifies things that need changing, and goes about putting himself in a position to make change. For his part, while the campaigning dad might want to be there for the Brownie Girl Scout ceremony or the spelling bee, he doesn’t ever express that as “daddy guilt.” And, when my husband can’t be at the hospital for our son’s surgery, he doesn’t feel guilty, either. Rather, he feels like he is doing something that is supportive, in fact, by working! The only way we can rid ourselves (and the world) of mommy guilt is to stop reprimanding ourselves for being autonomous humans once our children leave our physical bodies. We need to value what it is we do and who we are in the world. This might help us rear daughters who will not suffer mommy guilt themselves!
Kate Robinson
Kate Robinson, M.A. adult learning and development, is a Master’s in Social Work candidate at Bridgewater State University. She lives south of Boston with her family.
Kate enjoys writing, reading, collage and felting. She also works in medical education and as a counselor at a women’s health clinic.
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This has been a problem for a long time and no easy answers come to mind. Virginia Woolf wrote about the “angel in the house” and this is the “mommy guilt” syndrome. Heaven knows I felt this many times as my boys were growing up and I had to work. I was the major bread winner. Sometimes, I was so homesick for my small sons that I would call their father who worked at night just to see how they were doing. He said I called because I was checking up on him. When I had them and he was at work, he never called.
When I was undergoing major surgery, I begged my then husband to be there. He had the time coming from work as he worked for the state. He declined and said he had to go to work instead. The people who knew about this laughed at my husband’s dedication to work. I was new to the part of the country and had no one there. No one thought bad about him for his devotion to work.
Our husbands, male companions are not psychopaths or sociopaths. They have feelings. But they were never taught to care for others but to work and bring in the money to support the family. When I landed a job that paid more than my husband, he resented it. It was a hard job and I suffered for being there instead of home with growing children. I was never thanked or even acknowledged for doing this. We needed the money and my husband earned very little but he loved the job.
Woolf said that every woman has to be wary of the angel in the house otherwise she would take away our impulse to create and write. We would forget about our ambitions, desires to create and care for the house instead. Society gets a lot of free labor out of women. Is it any wonder some people fear women who decide that they would rather be enjoying work outside the house and even deny motherhood altogether? Marriage is a free gift to men although we are told it is something all women are taught to look forward to.
Things are changing. Maybe the problem that was called the ‘problem without a name’ just a few years ago, angel in the house by Woolf or mommy guilt by Kate Robinson will cease to exist. And the “little woman” in the house won’t give her children the implied gift of ‘food equals love’ to her children just to control her own guilt. Surely, we are better than that, or are we?